A Story to Disgust and One to Scare the Be-jeezers Out of You

I have been meaning to write for several days now and have just given myself the time or perhaps have finally mustered up the energy.

Last week I was at the pool tanning (this obsession is for another blog) and was thoroughly disgusted by the behavior of one senior citizen. Now, it is important for me to mention here that my parents live in a gated community for those over a certain age - really, it's only 45, but I would venture to guess that the median age of my neighbors is 65. Now, back to the point, as I am there basking in the mid-morning sun and dreading the thought of having to go to work in a few hours, I look to my right and notice to older women. At first I am thinking, "good for them, strutting there shit and such" and then I notice that one of the women has out her Bic razor. Now I'm thinking, "what would one need with a Bic razor at the pool?". Well, I'll tell you, one brings their Bic razor to the pool when they plan on dry shaving in public. No, I am not making this up - I don't think I could even if I wanted to - she whipped out the Bic and started shaving her legs right there poolside. And of course, there was no shame, no second thoughts. I guess once you reach a certain age you aren't so concerned with offending young people.

Now, if you found that story scary, wait until you hear this. Late last week Phoenix was experiencing some unusual weather and we found ourselves suffering through nearly 24 hours of rain. I'm not talking a bit of spit, I'm talking properly pissing down for an entire day. So I'm at work (big surprise, huh?) talking about my disgust for such weather when one of the girls I work with tells me how rain brings out scorpions. This wouldn't normally get me frazzled except for the fact that last year my parents had a small infestation of scorpions and were told by the exterminator that they can live for over six months after you have sprayed. To further my concern we had found one outside on the patio just after I moved here. All of this, however, is washed from my mind as I became more concerned with running to my car in the pouring rain. That is until I am getting ready for bed and take a look up at my ceiling fan. And what do you think I should find there? That's right folks, a mother f-ing scorpion! As you are most likely aware, I consider myself to be a pretty tough chick and force myself to remain calm as I walk to the bathroom to grab a massive wad of tp. I stay collected as I return to my bedroom and attempt to kill said m f-er. I am brimming with pride until the little s.o.b falls off of the ceiling onto my bed and begins running around. This, this is when I lose it. I being screaming bloody murder and leap from my bed - now is a good time to mention that I'm allergic to bee stings and would undoubtedly be allergic to scorpions as well - and in the mean time I hit my head on the fan and my foot on my dresser. Despite my throbbing head and foot I continue on with my mission and after several blood curtding screams, I regain my composure and kill that little bastard where he stands and flush his sorry as down the toilet. I then attemt to sleep and thank God for the first time that I am generally so exhausted that even fear induced insomnia is out of the question.