Who Would've Thought that in America...

You could drink champagne (cos you can call it that here, even if it isn't from Champagne) while getting a pedicure? Certainly not me! So when my sister suggested that Jill and I stop by her beauty school for a little late engagement celebration what else could I say but heck yes?! Sure, I had to pay a ridiculous amount for two tiny bottles of champers and sure they didn't taste to go, but damn it, it was well worth it to have the experience. It was certainly no Dorcester or anything, but it was defintely as un-America as I've had since I've been back and I enjoyed every minute of it.

On a similar note, face masks on your feet, brilliant! Having your little sister give you a pedicure, even more brilliant! She wasn't around for the teasing and beatings as a child, so for me it was a nice little bit of poetic justice. Love her to bits for it because lord knows scrubbing my feet is no walk in the park.

My life as a lady of leisure continues...

These Folks are Just so Gosh Darn Nice

Today (after my hangover suffering had relinquished) I went Christmas shopping and was asked at least half a dozen times how I was doing. This isn't such an odd occurance, but what is is that the people asking are genuinely interested in the response that I give. Their pleases and thank yous are heartfelt. They don't offer compliments they don't mean. They make conversation because they want to hear what you have to say, not because they want you to buy something. If none of you have ever been to the MidWest and witnessed this first hand, let me tell you, it makes for a much more pleasant shopping experience.

I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday complaining about the over zealous salesmanship here in the US; forgetting about the kindness of people in the MidWest. People often perceive the friendliness of MidWesterners to be fake, but I'm here to tell you it is real.

This is certainly not somewhere I would want to spend the rest of my life, but I am definitely proud to call it home. I guess you can take the girl out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the Wisconsin out of the girl.

Today I Want

Let's just get this out there...I'm drunk.

Today (tonight, really) I'm missing. I'm missing my best friends. I'm missing the people who understand me. I'm missing the people who hold my heart. Alcohol isn't the same without them and the drunken escape doesn't hold the same allure without the two specific ones who abandon life with me.

I don't want to hear the "I hope I do see you before New Years". I don't want the luke warm sentiments that hold no true meaning. I don't want to hold the hand of someone who does not hold my heart. I want to speak to someone that will tell me something real; that holds my truth.

I would rather sit in silence next to someone who holds my heart than speak endlessly with someone who does not understand my soul.

Oh, did you want your luggage?

When you think America, you think quick, easy and efficient, right? Well, have I got news; you're wrong! Today I waited over an hour for my luggage after my two and a half hour flight from Boston to Minneapolis.

In this time I watched as my poor step-mom circled the arrivals terminal three times. Soldiers returning from Iraq came and went, and an annoying Tufts student yammered on as her unenthused friend patiently listened. Seriously, I don't think she shut her mouth once. Even worse, she was picking her nose and her belly button piercing, without shame, in broad day light. Pretty disgusting all around, really.

Anyone Looking for a Housewife?

Low and behold, I am slowly becoming accustomed to my life of leisure. My day starts around 8:30 or 9 when I work out in my parent's home gym, which is expanding tomorrow. After I hit the shower it's lunch with my mom and step-dad followed by an afternoon of running errands; picking up/dropping off the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.

Today I changed it up by baking and frosting nearly four dozen Christmas cut-outs. Something I have adamantly boycotted in the past because that had always been my mom's job, and seeing as she is still alive and kicking I didn't feel the need to take over. But after just the right amount of guilt and bribery, I agreed to give it a shot. I'm not going to lie, they definitely aren't Mom's sugar cookies, but for my first try I think they are pretty damn good.

This certainly isn't a lifestyle I'd ever imagine myself carrying on with, but it is just enough to keep my mind off of things and to give me some self-worth. Or at least help me to feel like I'm earning my keep while I mooch off of my parents for the next couple of months.

I've always claimed that I don't have a domestic bone in my body; I guess I was wrong. Clearly, I'm more marketable as a wife than I thought. But shhhhh, don't tell anyone.

Why America Scares Me

The things that used to be cute and quaint when I was just here visiting are now scary and sometimes downright petrifying. I know I grew up here and spend 19 years of my life in this country, but there were things that I just took for granted before and now that I could potentially be here for longer than I have in the last 5 years, I'm pretty scared. I'm beginning to understand what David Bowie was talking about when he said he was afraid of Americans.

Here's the list thus far:

1. Friday while driving to CVS Pharmacy I was listening to talk radio and a caller decided to voice his opinion on the amount of Muslims in the world. His solution: Americans should have more babies just like the Muslims. They're having six or more babies per woman and Americans are only having one or two. This is a catastrophy waiting to happen. What is wrong with American women?! Do they not understand that Muslims are dangerous...they aren't like the Nazis; you can't tell which ones are good and which ones are bad.

2. The average weight of an American male would appear to be 300 pounds. I'm not sure why this offends me so much, it just does.

3. You have to drive everywhere! You can't read your book while driving, you can't hear other people's music (although that is one of my pet peeves) and you can't check out guys. Public transportation is just more fun.

4. Wholefoods Market has at least 15 different kinds of wheat bread and has hummus in the specialty foods section.

5. Everything here is bigger and obnoxiously so: everyone drives an SUV, at least 75% of people are overweight, you could fit 15 Sainsbury Locals into one grocery store here and churches are the size of airports. Now, I consider myself to be religious and attend church regularily when I'm home, but having a church so big that the police have to direct traffic when it lets out is just ridiculous.

6. They have zebra crossings but no one heeds them. You walk out and they keep driving at you. What is the point of a having a crossing if people aren't going to stop?

7. You are reminded 62 times a day that you are in America. Everything is America's first or America's best or if you suffer from acid reflux you are one of millions of Americans - not people.

8. I am in my "home" country but somehow I'm still a foreigner here. I'm not sure there is any other way to explain it. When I ask how something works or where something is people look at me like I'm an alien or just plain stupid. I guess to them I must be.

This is what 12 hours of crying does to you

After 12+ hours of crying this is what I looked like when I finally settled in to bed last night. I think the tear ducks have finally dried up because I haven't cried in nearly 9 hours. This is progress.

Yet I can't block out the two phrases that keep playing on repeat through my brain, "I can't believe this is my life" and "What have I done?" But my mom is being brilliant and keeps telling me it's going to be ok. To be honest, I don't think it's sunk in yet. My head keeps confusing my heart into thinking this is just a holiday. It isn't though - this is my life now. This is my new reality.

What have I done??

I have often been told by older friends that I am lucky to know what I want out of life at such a young age. But is it really lucky to figure out what you want just in time to watch it all slip away?

More than once in my life I have complained of a broken heart. I have blamed selfishness and unhappiness on this supposed ailment. But it was not until today, riding silently in the taxi to Heathrow with Monica, that I fully understood what a broken heart is. Not until today have I actually felt my heart break in my chest, as I sat, trying my hardest to fight back the tears that came without prompting. I tried my hardest to be strong, but on the inside I was weeping like a child while on the outside the tears slowly rolled down my cheeks; staining my favorite Gap t-shirt.

As I sat next to the girl who has become not only one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but my confidant and occasional psychologist (even though she thinks I never heed her advice – I do, in my own way), I began to understand what it feels like to miss someone despite the fact they are sitting right next to you. While I fought back the urge to weep openly and lean on her for support (as I have done so many times before), my mind wondered to all the other people I already miss. To the people that have become my family, my heart – the people who scrolled through my mind as I contemplated making that one last phone call. Considered reaching out to that one last time…

The only friend left from the old-time gang. The one who always saw through their bull shit and insisted I was better – pushed me to see it, believe it, live it. The friend who too often was neglected but was always on my mind, who made me laugh and cry and joined me while I did both. The friend who taught me to see the world through different eyes, and in turn to see myself through her eyes.

The friend who always has a kind word and is characterized by a caring disposition. The one who taught me to always look at the positive because there is no point in dwelling on the negative; it will pass. The friend who always made me smile, even in my darkest moments – who rushed to reach out to me when I was at the lowest.

The unexpected best friend who has become my constant companion. The friend whose optimism often brinks on overwhelming but is always inspirational – I can only hope to have half the positivity. The one who is always the first to ask how to make it better, who knows my moods better than I do and is constantly trying to battle them with me. The one whose friendship has been the source of controversy – the only other one who truly understands what it is we have.

The friend who I can always rely on to take care of me. The one who has not only constantly looked out for me, but has been kind enough to share his endless wisdom, gained over years of life experience. The friend who has taught me more about myself than I can begin to comprehend, and has lifted me up in a way I will never be able to repay. The one who would never expect repayment. The friend who has become like a part of me – so much so that I don’t know who I’ll be without him near me. The one who I have no doubt will be the first to visit, wherever I am – the first to find a way to bring us together.

The friend who came out of nowhere. The one I nearly wrote off but now can’t imagine life without. The one that somehow has the ability to open me up as if we have known each other for years, not mere months. The friend that has touched my heart in a way I can’t explain with words. The one who I cannot wait to know more about because I never imagined becoming so close to someone so quickly. One of the few friends I have that I could spend 48 straight hours with and never run out of things to say. The friend who is teaching me to leave the past behind me.

All the other friends that have touched my heart in their own special ways. The friends that have seen me through thick and thin, who stood by me these past couple of months that I have been a nervous wreck. That have always been there to offer a word of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend. The friends who are already drawing me back.

There are countless things I will miss during my hiatus from London – my friends are undoubtedly number one on that list. They are a part of me I will never let go. They push me to be my best despite having seen me at my worst. They love me unconditionally and I can only hope that the feeling is reciprocated because to me, there hasn’t yet been a word invented to explain how much I love them and how lucky I am to have each and every one of them in my life.