Why America Scares Me

The things that used to be cute and quaint when I was just here visiting are now scary and sometimes downright petrifying. I know I grew up here and spend 19 years of my life in this country, but there were things that I just took for granted before and now that I could potentially be here for longer than I have in the last 5 years, I'm pretty scared. I'm beginning to understand what David Bowie was talking about when he said he was afraid of Americans.

Here's the list thus far:

1. Friday while driving to CVS Pharmacy I was listening to talk radio and a caller decided to voice his opinion on the amount of Muslims in the world. His solution: Americans should have more babies just like the Muslims. They're having six or more babies per woman and Americans are only having one or two. This is a catastrophy waiting to happen. What is wrong with American women?! Do they not understand that Muslims are dangerous...they aren't like the Nazis; you can't tell which ones are good and which ones are bad.

2. The average weight of an American male would appear to be 300 pounds. I'm not sure why this offends me so much, it just does.

3. You have to drive everywhere! You can't read your book while driving, you can't hear other people's music (although that is one of my pet peeves) and you can't check out guys. Public transportation is just more fun.

4. Wholefoods Market has at least 15 different kinds of wheat bread and has hummus in the specialty foods section.

5. Everything here is bigger and obnoxiously so: everyone drives an SUV, at least 75% of people are overweight, you could fit 15 Sainsbury Locals into one grocery store here and churches are the size of airports. Now, I consider myself to be religious and attend church regularily when I'm home, but having a church so big that the police have to direct traffic when it lets out is just ridiculous.

6. They have zebra crossings but no one heeds them. You walk out and they keep driving at you. What is the point of a having a crossing if people aren't going to stop?

7. You are reminded 62 times a day that you are in America. Everything is America's first or America's best or if you suffer from acid reflux you are one of millions of Americans - not people.

8. I am in my "home" country but somehow I'm still a foreigner here. I'm not sure there is any other way to explain it. When I ask how something works or where something is people look at me like I'm an alien or just plain stupid. I guess to them I must be.