What have I done??

I have often been told by older friends that I am lucky to know what I want out of life at such a young age. But is it really lucky to figure out what you want just in time to watch it all slip away?

More than once in my life I have complained of a broken heart. I have blamed selfishness and unhappiness on this supposed ailment. But it was not until today, riding silently in the taxi to Heathrow with Monica, that I fully understood what a broken heart is. Not until today have I actually felt my heart break in my chest, as I sat, trying my hardest to fight back the tears that came without prompting. I tried my hardest to be strong, but on the inside I was weeping like a child while on the outside the tears slowly rolled down my cheeks; staining my favorite Gap t-shirt.

As I sat next to the girl who has become not only one of the best friends I’ve ever had, but my confidant and occasional psychologist (even though she thinks I never heed her advice – I do, in my own way), I began to understand what it feels like to miss someone despite the fact they are sitting right next to you. While I fought back the urge to weep openly and lean on her for support (as I have done so many times before), my mind wondered to all the other people I already miss. To the people that have become my family, my heart – the people who scrolled through my mind as I contemplated making that one last phone call. Considered reaching out to that one last time…

The only friend left from the old-time gang. The one who always saw through their bull shit and insisted I was better – pushed me to see it, believe it, live it. The friend who too often was neglected but was always on my mind, who made me laugh and cry and joined me while I did both. The friend who taught me to see the world through different eyes, and in turn to see myself through her eyes.

The friend who always has a kind word and is characterized by a caring disposition. The one who taught me to always look at the positive because there is no point in dwelling on the negative; it will pass. The friend who always made me smile, even in my darkest moments – who rushed to reach out to me when I was at the lowest.

The unexpected best friend who has become my constant companion. The friend whose optimism often brinks on overwhelming but is always inspirational – I can only hope to have half the positivity. The one who is always the first to ask how to make it better, who knows my moods better than I do and is constantly trying to battle them with me. The one whose friendship has been the source of controversy – the only other one who truly understands what it is we have.

The friend who I can always rely on to take care of me. The one who has not only constantly looked out for me, but has been kind enough to share his endless wisdom, gained over years of life experience. The friend who has taught me more about myself than I can begin to comprehend, and has lifted me up in a way I will never be able to repay. The one who would never expect repayment. The friend who has become like a part of me – so much so that I don’t know who I’ll be without him near me. The one who I have no doubt will be the first to visit, wherever I am – the first to find a way to bring us together.

The friend who came out of nowhere. The one I nearly wrote off but now can’t imagine life without. The one that somehow has the ability to open me up as if we have known each other for years, not mere months. The friend that has touched my heart in a way I can’t explain with words. The one who I cannot wait to know more about because I never imagined becoming so close to someone so quickly. One of the few friends I have that I could spend 48 straight hours with and never run out of things to say. The friend who is teaching me to leave the past behind me.

All the other friends that have touched my heart in their own special ways. The friends that have seen me through thick and thin, who stood by me these past couple of months that I have been a nervous wreck. That have always been there to offer a word of encouragement, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to bend. The friends who are already drawing me back.

There are countless things I will miss during my hiatus from London – my friends are undoubtedly number one on that list. They are a part of me I will never let go. They push me to be my best despite having seen me at my worst. They love me unconditionally and I can only hope that the feeling is reciprocated because to me, there hasn’t yet been a word invented to explain how much I love them and how lucky I am to have each and every one of them in my life.